Cowgirl Blues

by katie ellen

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about

“there’s just one thing in life that’s better than happiness and that’s freedom. it’s better to be free than to be happy.” -sissy hankshaw

today I am grateful for the history that has delivered me to this moment.
I accept its validity, its lesson.
I make space for it in my heart.
I don’t challenge but rather embrace it and its significance to my personhood.
but I also accept the process of closure, the ability to renew, to let go.

I free myself.

today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I will be deliberate and unafraid, discerning and kind.
I will not live under the umbrella of shame.
I will not accept responsibility for your feelings or your bullshit.
I will say no and be taken seriously.
I will not let anyone make me feel small.
I will be gracious and ask for what I need.
I will never apologize for being an emotional creature.

I will be proud when my thighs touch, when my belly is soft.
I will love who I want to, identify as I want to, be as loud or as quiet as I want to.
I will be whole.
I will live my truth, in kindness, in gratitude, in compassion and strength as a free, forward-thinking cowgirl, riding with purpose, tall in my stride, living like the wind in the depths of the desert.
and I will sing the blues
as I damn well please.

credits

released July 14, 2017

Anika Pyle – Vocals, Guitars
Anthony Tinnirella – Guitars
Dan Frelly – Drums
Eric Sheppard – Vocals, Bass

All songs written by Anika Pyle
Produced by Katie Ellen and Kyle Pulley
Recorded at Headroom Studios in Philadephia, PA by Kyle Pulley
with assistance from Mark Watter and Dash Flach
Additional recording by Eric Sheppard
Mixed by Eric Sheppard in Brooklyn, NY
Mastered by Josh Harris at Smith Lee Productions
Cover Design by Anika Pyle

Order from Lauren Records: tinyurl.com/CowgirlBlues

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katie ellen Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

ktln sings the blues

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Track Name: drawing room
it’s raining baby
I don’t want to go outside
take me to a quiet place
where we can run and hide

find me baby
between past and present tense
in a gallery of chairs
where I can sit and make some sense

take me to the drawing room
where I’ll withdraw from everything but you

come on darling
don’t you like to see the trees?
I know they’re out of season
but they make me feel something

like lightness baby
or a warmth that can’t compare
to the chill that I’ve been feeling
during this part of the year

and I know
I can’t escape
indecision
but I could sit
for a while
and admire the precision
of a Dutch landscape painter
painting pictures of the hillside
in the eighteenth century
where I was wishing I was living
so I wouldn’t have to face
all of the things I’m trying to ruin
I would float there so freely
in a room that’s built strictly for entertaining
and retreating

take me to the drawing room
where I’ll withdraw from everything but you
Track Name: wild heart
Wild heart with a tendency for staying
Talk a lot and say absolutely nothing
I’m awake. I’m asleep. I’m still dreaming
Lost eternal, a propensity for lying

Paris is blooming
I’m feeling blue
We’re saying nothing
At the footsteps of the Lourve

I like to keep things that remind me of you
Track Name: lucy stone
well i don't wanna have your children
does that make me less of a woman?
i don't believe in getting married
it's a social economic prison

we're in love
i can't give you all my time
we're in love
i will never call you mine

love is not enough

i shouldn't let you call me baby
but i like the way you say it
you're always showing up on time
and i am constantly arriving late and

we're in love
i am not afraid to tell you
we're in love
i am keeping my own room

love is not enough

nothing is forever
it's stupid to think so
so love me until one of us
wants to be left alone

love is not enough
Track Name: tv dreams
i am miserable with you
miserable without you

and every time i try to think it through
i wind up thinking of the things we used to do

like wake up in the morning thinking forward
come home in the evening to the tv

talking on the weekends about running away
to some expensive, quiet foreign city

i hope you're happy
i think you want the same for me
you can call me
if you can't sleep and you feel lonely

i guess i called to say that you can call me
i guess i called to say that you can call me
i guess i called to say that you can call me

call me
Track Name: proposal
i wore a white dress
at the court house
you said you wanted to be the one
to pose the ultimate question

i thought it’d be good
it felt important
now I’m uncertain
I feel embarrassed

I’m sick of fucking in our bed
I’m sick of fucking in our bed
I’m sick of fucking in our bed
I’m sick of imagining us fucking in my head

I’m sick of fucking in our bed
I’m sick of fucking with your head
sick of you fucking with my head
sick of imagining us fucking in my head
Track Name: sad girls club
I hope you find a stable girl
who treats you like you deserve it
take her home at Christmas time
impress your middle class parents

god knows that I could never meet
all of their gold expectations
and if they want the family jewels
then pack them up they can take them

you have “known for quite a while
that I am not so well”
sad girls don’t make good wives

when you’re sitting in the dark
next to a girl who could love you
at the indie movie house
watching a film you’d take me to

I hope you feel a little peace
thinking I’ve finally gone crazy
and you can take her slender hand
make her your wife and be happy

You have “known for quite a while
that I am not so well”
sad girls don’t make good wives

“she was brilliant and so talented
but she was sad and sick
and that’s what killed her in the end”
Track Name: han
perfect autumn evening
I’m reveling, I’m ruminating
we wait until the stars come out to say goodnight
I’m wondering, I’m wandering

loneliness is always better with a friend
there’s a thousand different ways to say you’re sad in Korean

where do you keep your pain?
where do you find your strength?
what do you think about? You can’t sleep at night. You’re alone at the museum.
are you happy?

loneliness is always better with a friend
there’s a thousand different ways to say you’re sad in Korean
Track Name: houses into homes
I miss the sound of the dial tone
I miss getting excited picking up the phone
I’d go anywhere with you
I think you know
that we’d be good at
making houses into homes

meet me in the courtyard darling
tell me I’m the one
you and me forever baby
nothing can go wrong
I can’t see in front of me
but I think that we’d be good at
making houses into homes

I wish you’d taken just a few things for yourself
a picture of us or a postcard from the mail
I’m left thinking that you are everything I know
the memories of making houses into homes

meet me in the courtyard darling
how you getting on?
heard that you’re in love now babe
I hope that she’s the one
I can’t see in front of me but
I think that you’ll be good at making
making all your houses into homes
Track Name: cowgirl blues
I’m an honest girl
with a heart of gold
hanging heavy like a paper weight on my soul
skin is sensitive
I am easily bruised
by the thin whip of sleepless nights
thinking of you

your eyes love
Like a waning moon
Turned down for tonight
Or for forever it’s true
Your sharp stares
Your jagged gazes
Casting down on my decision making

Please accept my apologies
It’s hard to know when you should leave
I could have been happy
I’d have never felt free

I’m an honest girl
With a heart of gold
Hanging heavy like a paperweight on my soul
Skin is sensitive
I am easily bruised
By the thought of spending my life thinking of you

I could have been happy
Track Name: bleeding heart
If there’s no other way
To show you my love
Then I’ll slit my throat
Donate my most precious organ to you
Still beating and bleeding
I’ll watch as you
Turn it around
Read all the things
I’m too choked up to say
As your hands become stained
With the sleep I’ve lost just thinking of you
When you’re done we can plant it by the light of the moon
And as it grows we’ll admire the blossoms of my bleeding heart